Thursday, January 12, 2012

The GOP Visits A Psychiatrist…

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song. 
Lord Byron 

A tired appearing older gentleman enters a psychiatrist’s office; he is white, well-dressed but strangely carries a few straws of chewing straw in his breast pocket; he holds a bible in one hand and a copy of Free to Choose in the other; he presents  with an uncomfortable affect and a patrician air...
Psychiatrist: Hello..GOP is it? Glad to meet you. Thanks for coming in to see me.
GOP: [Nervous tick, speaking hesitantly]: Yes, yes...glad to meet you as well. Are we done yet?
P: Not quite yet. I see you were referred by a Dr. Paul. It says here he’s a gynecologist?
GOP: He sees my wife. After her last visit, which I attended, he thought I should meet with you.
P: Do you know why that was?
GOP: I wanted her to stay home, barefoot and pregnant, and school the children and clean the house while supporting her desire to rise as far as she could in the business world...
P: What about the glass ceilings?
GOP: She should clean those too...
P: I see...Tell me, where do you live?
GOP: In a big tent.
P: Ah...OH! I see Dr. Paul was concerned about multiple personality disorder…
GOP: Yes, exactly. I don’t know what he’s talking about. Can you help me?
P: I’ll need a little more information, first. What do you see as the problem?
GOP: The budget. And the debt. The budget and debt! We need to take the budget seriously. The debt is growing out of control.
P: So you’re willing to look at cutting everything?
GOP: Well not the military, of course. That can't be cut! Defense is paramount!! 
P: So none of the troops in over 100 countries abroad can come home?
GOP: Not a one! Too risky. Wouldn't be prudent. Like Vice-President Cheney said after 9/11, we must act as if a 1% chance of a danger from abroad is equivalent to a 100% danger. We can’t afford any risk.
P: Isn’t that the Precautionary Principle the Left uses when discussing global warming. We can’t risk even a small chance of irreparably harming the planet…?
GOP: They’re completely different!
P: How so?
GOP: Well, in the case of global warming, the alleged science is discovered by scientists whose grant money is supplied by the taxpayers. They don’t get tax dollars to play with unless they claim the science shows global warming. Whereas, when it comes to discovery of foreign threats, taxpayers pay high-ranking military officials and State department officials who work to find foreign threats, aided by public spirited companies in the defense industry that help us in this never-ending fight.
P: American troops garrisoned in foreign lands...That’s also to protect us?
GOP: Sure. They want us there. It’s protective.
P: And if foreign troops were garrisoned in America?
GOP: Are you insane? We don’t want them here. That would be inflammatory.
P: You believe in a small, modest, Constitutionally limited government…
GOP: Just like Jefferson's!
P: ...capable of policing the world and fighting multiple foreign wars simultaneously?
GOP: Only much, much larger! [Facial grimace…] Can you help me?
P: What about domestic policy?
GOP: We want to keep the government out of your business. Regulatory growth has been explosive, and harmful. This must stop, and stop now!
P: So you’re willing to get the government off the backs of the marijuana entrepreneurs?
GOP: Absolutely NOT! It’s a gateway drug that causes much harm!
P: And your solution to the harm of using drugs?
GOP: We have to throw the users in prison.

P: Can’t you just leave the users alone?
GOP: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not like they’re businessmen…
P: But how does favoring small government tie in with a drug war?
GOP: Well, when we put all the marijuana users in prison, we won’t need a big government to handle the remaining citizens. [Rapid eye movement…] Please, can you help me?!
P: So you’re for less government…
GOP: Yes!
P: ...that controls what people smoke and eat…
GOP: Well, not tobacco or trans-fats! That nanny-state stuff won’t fly with me!!
P: But you’ve used marijuana yourself, I understand…
GOP: Just during my youthful experimentations...Hey, you can’t hold that against a guy!
P: But now you want to…
GOP: Lock them up and throw away the key. Exactly!! Can you help me?
P: I understand you favor federalism.
GOP: Absolutely. It keeps the federal government in check and allows the states to be laboratories for liberty.
P: So if marijuana were legalized at the state level, for medical or other reasons…
GOP: I’d have the DEA dragnet large areas to round up people for federal prosecution.
P: And if judicial rulings went against you?
GOP: Damn activist judges! They need to rule based on the laws Congress passes, not on what they wish the law were. That’s what democracy is all about.
P: What’s your position on Obamacare?
GOP: Very destructive; hopefully it will be overturned by the courts. [Unconscious toe tapping…] Please dear God, can you help me?!
P: Just a few more questions. Tell me about spending under Obama.
GOP: Outrageous! Huge deficits. Massive bailouts and reckless stimulus spending. 
P: And the bailouts and stimulus spending under GW Bush?
GOP: What?
P: The massive spending--the most ever until Obama--under Bush 43?
GOP: Yes?
P: I’m asking your thoughts about it…
GOP: What about it?
P: Your thoughts on the massive spending and deficits…
GOP: This massive spending and deficit growth under Obama is killing the country!!
P: And under Bush?
GOP: I’m sorry, what is your question? MY GOD! HELP ME!!
P: I’m beginning to see your problem.
GOP: What problem?
P: Let me ask you, how do you feel about choice?
GOP: Choice! That's anathema. This abortion choice culture has deadened our society and created irreparable harm. I blame the liberals.
P: I was talking about school choice…
GOP: Choice! That's a saving grace. The culture of school choice has enlivened our society and created great benefits. Without it, generations of children are deprived of an education to favor special interests that hold the Democratic Party in thrall. I blame the liberals.
P: OK. I’ve got enough. I think I can help you.
GOP: Electroshock? 
P: We can’t turn the voltage up high enough, I’m afraid. But don’t despair. There are other methods…have you heard of leeches?
GOP: Congress is full of them.
P: That’s what you need. You won’t be able to accomplish your goals without them.
GOP: You mean I need…
P: Massive blood-letting. Yes.